Put dad under sedation and on ventilator

This entry starts with the note I wrote to myself in my Palm. I've never seen someone in such pain before, and I hope that I never have to again.

His mouth was just a huge ulcer... writhing in pain; angry and frustrated that he couldn't communicate with us - and probably a bit confused as well... either by the pain or by the edema in his brain.

Finally achieved some peace... after he had the breathing tube and Versed (sedation drug).

Hopefully the sleep (and peace) will give him more tools to fight it & get the new immune system to start up.

God... what a barbaric process. :(

My poor dad... I think that this day will haunt me for the rest of my life. I can't imagine the amount of pain he was in, before we agreed to have him sedated. It was like something had exploded in his mouth... it looked like bloody hamburger with teeth. He was writhing and contorting and confused... and he just kept saying "something's wrong... something's gone wrong." He was telling us other things, but we couldn't understand him.

I feel a lot of guilt about that day... intellectually, I know that he couldn't have gone on like he was – talk about inhuman torture. On the other hand, you just have to wonder... what if we hadn't sedated him, would he have been able to recover, then? Did we sedate him just because we couldn't stand to see him suffer the way that he was? Was it just to make it easier on us?